Wondering what’s in store for you this March? Probably lots of different things, but your horoscopes will tell you everything you probably already know.
Pisces (February 19-March 20): This month you will find yourself in a very tense situation with a family member, or friend… or someone with a face. But, when your birthday comes around, everything will be resolved.
Aries (March 21-April 19): The fifth moon of Mordor in your Jupiter house means this month is the perfect time for you to take advantage of celestial radiations that will settle in the third axis of Neptune’s house of air. Understand? Good, because it’s like, vitally important that you get that. Also, stop pretending to understand things that you don’t. You think when you smile and nod, you look like you know what’s going on. You don’t. Everyone can tell.
Taurus (April 201-May 20): You will find the love of your life this month. The person to your right will ask you on a date. Give them a chance! Grab some Chipotle and watch Shrek the Musical some night. If there’s no one to your right, tough luck. Maybe next month?
Gemini (May 21-June 20): You have a huge test this month that could make or break your average. You’re going to ace it! In fact, you don’t even have to study. The stars have already aligned to your success. Use that time, instead, to take a relaxing jog through Whirlpool Trails—you look a little stressed.
Cancer (June 21-July 22): It’s imperative that you spend the month of march learning everything there is to know about the endangered Northern Hairy-Nosed Wombat. It has to do with you winning a lot of money, so just do it.
Leo (July 23-August 22): Leo, you are ruled by the sun. The world literally revolves around you. This month, your most loyal subject will betray you. Watch your back. Also, it’s not a good month to go outside. Stay in bed.
Virgo (August 23-September 22): You will be faced with a difficult decision this month. Don’t get the cheap toilet paper. You are going to go on a journey this month to a place you may or may not have been to before. You need to stay fresh.
Libra (September 23-October 22): This is the month for adventures, Libra. You know how you’ve always wanted to order that dish at that restaurant you go to? But you think, “What if I don’t like it? Then I’ve wasted all that money when I could have just gotten what I always get.” Well, order that dish. Take the plunge.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Scorpio, you are ruled by Pluto. Scientists declared that Pluto is not a planet and is, in fact, just a big rock. Are you going to let them belittle your ruling planet like that? Stick it to the man this month. Join a protest, dye your hair blue, pay no mind to expiration dates. It’s your life!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): Something is holding you back and keeping you from living your life the way you want. It’s time to move on and accept that your love for Ryan Gosling will always be one-sided.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19): This month, Saturn’s alignment with the sun will cause a major complication for your best friend’s mom’s boss’s nephew and you won’t be affected at all. Don’t sweat it. Take a spa day and keep doing you.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18): This month, Mars and Venus are bringing some love into your life. Look for your crush to like your Instagram post or to talk to that cutie you saw on the OUT bus.