At the beginning of the election season, I was undoubtedly #FeelingTheBern, and up until recently, I’d venture to declare #ImWithHer. But if there’s one thing for certain, it’s that I can honestly say that #TrumpIsMySugarDaddy. Gone are the days of wishing this generation’s favorite grassroots grandpa could have snagged the democratic nomination. And my love for Hillary has vanished, much like her 30,000 emails. I am now proud to announce that Trump is my sugar daddy, and I am his sweet sugar baby. You could say that instead of grabbing me by the p*ssy, Donald Trump has grabbed me right by my heart strings.
It all started with a chance meeting on SeekingArrangement, America’s #1 sugar dating website. With a bio that read “Make America Date Again” and “seeking a nasty woman((;”, I knew that @datboidonald was the one for me. After a few weeks of casual direct messaging, Trump made things official by asking for my birth certificate to ensure my eligibility. We wouldn’t want another Obama “birtherism” controversy on our hands.
Since then, he’s done nothing but give his sugar baby an even bigger sweet tooth. Donald has bought me a chain of tanning beds and Papa John’s across the Midwest, and even made good on the democratic promise for free education by paying for my college tuition! If there’s one thing he loves, it’s an educated woman. Donald helps me further my education by allowing me to borrow literature from his extensive private collection, his favorites being Mein Kampf and Joel Osteen’s Become a Better You.
As a middle-aged, wealthy white man, he understands the importance of relating to his voters of all demographics. He keeps a copy of Lil Wayne’s Tha Carter IV on deck in his Lamborghini Diablo at all times, and recently could be spotted sporting the latest Yeezy Boost. His Netflix queue is chock full of diversely-cast titles including the Netflix original Narcos, the modern American classic Minions, and Shonda Rhimes’ Scandal. And contrary to popular belief, he holds a fondness for the Hispanic community and can often be found munching on a Taco Bell Crunch Wrap Supreme with mild sauce.
No one has more respect for women than my Donald. His favorite word is “consent,” and he practices it daily like when he politely asks before building walls around entire nations. When it comes to women’s rights, he is at the forefront of the movement. Like any good and reasonable and god-fearing man, he believes that it is the patriarchy’s job to make the decisions about a woman’s body and what she does with it. Because how could a woman possibly be expected to make such a hard-hitting decision and prepare a sandwich at the same time?
In my experience over the last few weeks, I’ve seen a whole new and raw side to the United States’ most controversial presidential candidate, or as some have lovingly referred to him as, Cheeto Jesus. So is he really the misogynistic, racist pig that the leftist media would lead us to believe, or is he the surprisingly well-rounded, affluent old man that I have come to take advantage of?
Donald Trump is my sugar daddy, and I know he could be America’s sugar daddy, too.
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